On Death and Dying
A cremation today, and one more death — even in this extended season of disease and death, people suffering and asking to pray for them and their family, there is just so much more sorrow created every day.
Both were much loved, leaving behind stunned family members. Cliches like ‘stay strong’ and ‘live the happy memories’ mean little to someone who has suddenly lost a family member — stunned, shaken off steady feet, the uncertainty and unpredictability of life hitting us cold, a forced dead pause in the middle of a busy life, the mind silenced with grief and shock, unable to come to grips with the new reality.
Even when the shock wears away, the grief lingers on. The pain at a physical level is a heavy burden that exhausts the body and the emotional pain of loss hollows me out. Every atom of the body hurts, all activity is slow, every interaction feels meaningless, fits of irritation and bouts of weeping become common. and one hangs on to work or other routine activity or taking care of dependents to maintain sanity.
Months pass, with alternating grief and a somewhat normalized new routine. There are still moments of loneliness when situations come up when we would have turned to the person who passed away. Memories come up again and again of what I could have done better or more, memories of incidents long forgotten suddenly crop up and there is a realization of how that person had helped or supported or tolerated me, new perspectives that I get when the person is no more in my life to express gratitude.
And even as we feel we are getting better, a year or two has passed, I would think I can live with the happy memories finally. But there are topics we discussed, gifts we gave or received, a song, some food or fragrance, even a written note sometimes, that will bring a sudden strong memory that paralyses me and I have to catch my breath for the moment to pass. Some say it will come down to where we will only remember birthdays and anniversaries, but not all of us are so lucky. Some people are remembered and missed every moment, every day. Just like their presence was constant, the absence is constant as well.
Yes, true bliss lies in solitude. As I perfect that, life still goes on with all my imperfections. And if I let the absence of someone prevent me from enjoying the presence of others, life becomes miserable in loneliness, which is far from the bliss of solitude. The ship has sailed — is the constant learning in life if we are conscious of each passing moment. There is no going back in this short lifetime — a part of us dies with each moment that passes. Every moment is to be lived to the fullest to create happy memories in the fond hope that they may come in handy one day.
